Most advice about anal play says "relax". But the muscle that matters most, the inner ring of the anus, cannot be relaxed on purpose at all. It opens on its own when it is ready, and the skill is waiting for it, not trying harder. This article starts there, then covers the three ways the anus differs from the vagina (no lubrication, no end point, different bacteria), how to start, what changes if you have a prostate, and how to keep it safe. The short checklist version is in Anal play: base, lube, and the anal-only rule.
The muscle you cannot command
The anus is closed by two rings of muscle. The outer one relaxes when you tell it to. The inner one does not: it lets go on its own, when it is ready. This is why pushing fails. The outer ring opens, it feels like you can go on, the next push meets the inner ring still closed, it hurts, and everything tightens.
What works is the opposite. Rest a well-lubricated fingertip or toy against the entrance and hold still. Give the inner ring time; wait until it feels as if the ring is giving. Only then go a little further. Gently bearing down, the way you would on the toilet, helps some people. Whoever is on the receiving end sets the pace.
1. No lubrication of its own
The vagina usually makes some lubrication with arousal, though not always enough. The anus does not make anything like enough slipperiness for anything to go in. Without lube, the thin lining can tear, which hurts and takes time to heal. So lube is not an extra here. Use much more water-based lube than you would for vaginal play, and add more whenever it starts to feel dry or draggy (more: Lube and silicone toys).
2. No end point
The vagina ends at the cervix. The rectum has no such stop, so an object can slip all the way in. Toys without a stopper can get stuck; doctors have documented this and describe it as preventable. So anything that goes into the anus needs something that stays outside: a base that is clearly wider than what goes in, a loop, or a long handle you keep hold of.
A wide, flat base is the simplest version of that rule, because it cannot pass the opening.
3. Different bacteria
The bacteria that live in the bowel are fine where they are, but they do not belong in the vagina or the urethra. That is where the anal-only rule comes from: once a toy has been used anally, keep it for anal play only, and never let it touch the inside of the vagina, even after washing. Wash hands before they move from the anus to anywhere else.
One way to start
Reactions to anal touch vary a lot, from person to person and from one day to the next. A single lubricated finger is a good, low-stakes first test. One way to build from there, moving on only when a step feels good, not just bearable:
- touch, circling and pressure on the skin around the outside, without going in;
- one finger resting at the entrance while the inner muscle opens;
- one finger moving slowly;
- a small toy with a base, once a finger feels good;
- only if you want to, something a little larger or a little longer.
Each step lets the muscles learn that nothing will be forced. Move on only when the current step feels good, not just bearable, and there is no need to move on at all.
It can take weeks rather than one evening. Trim nails and wash hands first. Porn is not a guide: what it shows leaves out the preparation done off camera.
What it can feel like
For some people anal play is a strong source of pleasure, for some it adds to other things, and some simply do not like it. None of these needs fixing, and "I don't like it" does not mean "I haven't learned to like it yet".
For many women, adding clitoral stimulation during anal play can make it more satisfying (more: Clitoral stimulation during penetration). Light pressure on the outside of the anus during other touch is another way to include it without going in.
If you have a prostate
The prostate sits in front of the rectum, toward the belly, a few centimeters inside. Some people with a prostate find that gentle pressure on it, with a finger curled toward the belly or a toy shaped for it, brings on a deep, spreading pleasure that is different from touch on the penis. Research has linked prostate stimulation during receptive anal sex with specific pelvic sensations involving the pelvic nerves.
Interest in this is real across orientations, but it is a minority preference, not something to assume. Raise it by talking first, and never spring it on a partner. The same rules apply: lots of lube, wait for the inner muscle, a base on any toy, and gentle pressure rather than force.
With a partner
- Talk about it before, not during. Nobody should be persuaded, and "try it, you'll like it" is not an argument.
- The receiving partner controls pace and depth, and a stop word ends it at once.
- Gloves on fingers make cleaning up easier; change gloves before touching anywhere else. A toy used anally stays anal-only and never goes into the vagina.
Safety
- Stop for pain, as opposed to a feeling of fullness, for numbness, and for any bleeding.
- To take something out, relax first and remove it slowly. Do not pull hard on a base or loop.
- Do not do anal play during a hemorrhoid flare, with an anal fissure or an infection, or while recovering from anal or rectal surgery.
- If something goes in and will not come out, do not dig for it. Relax, and go to a doctor or an emergency department. It is a known problem, and embarrassment is not a reason to wait.
- If pain or bleeding lasts, see Toys and your health: when to check with a doctor.
What to take away
The inner muscle of the anus opens on its own, so rest and wait instead of pushing, and let the receiving partner set the pace. The anus makes no lubrication, has no end point and carries different bacteria, so use plenty of lube, choose toys with a base, and keep anal toys anal-only. How much anyone enjoys it varies, and all of it is normal.