A blindfold does not give your skin super-powers. Some people report that it takes two things away: watching yourself, and anticipating what is coming next. They describe attention staying on the touch happening right now. This article explains both, how to start if "not seeing" makes you nervous, and how to keep it safe.
What it takes away: watching yourself
During sex, some people keep part of their mind on how they look: my belly, my face, is this taking too long. Sex researchers call this spectatoring, watching yourself from the outside instead of feeling from the inside. One study, of people living with anxiety, found that those who were more distracted during sex had more sexual problems. Being pulled out of the moment can get in the way of arousal.
You can simply close your eyes, and some people do. A blindfold makes it a physical fact instead of an effort: there is nothing to check, and some people report less pull to check it.
What it takes away: knowing what comes next
When you can see a hand or a toy coming, your mind can get there first: it runs ahead to where the touch will land and what it will feel like. When you cannot see, each touch can arrive as news. Some people who like blindfolds describe exactly this: less running ahead, more attention on what the skin is feeling now.
That is why a blindfold can help when:
- you find it hard to stay focused during sex;
- you worry about how you look;
- you want a change from a routine that has started to feel familiar;
- you want to try something new without anything elaborate.
With a remote-controlled toy, it can add something more: if your partner varies it within what you have agreed, not seeing them reach for the remote makes the timing harder to predict.
A soft, curved toy you wear, in the version that comes with a remote, is one way to try this: it stays in place and your partner holds the remote.
Things a partner can do
- Pause. After building you up, stop for a moment before the next touch. Some people find the waiting exciting in itself.
- Change the kind of touch. Go from light to firmer, or from one place to another, within what you have already said you like.
- Talk. A voice close to your ear, saying what comes next, is something some people enjoy a lot with their eyes covered.
Surprise only works inside your limits. A touch you did not expect but know you like is exciting; one you did not agree to is a shock. Talk first about what is in and out.
If "not seeing" makes you nervous
For some people, what they dislike about a blindfold is not the dark but having no way out. There are several ways to not see, and each is fine on its own:
- lights off or curtains drawn;
- closing your own eyes, and opening them whenever you like;
- your partner's hand resting over your eyes;
- a loose scarf that slips off if you shake your head;
- a blindfold.
This is not a ladder: none of them is the "real" version. If you want a place to start, closing your own eyes is an easy one, because you can open them any time. Whatever you use, you are the one who can end it.
Some people love handing over control this way and find it relaxing. Others find it makes them tense. Both are normal, and "I don't like it" does not mean "I haven't got used to it yet".
Keeping it safe
- The person wearing the blindfold keeps their hands free and can take it off at any moment, without having to explain why.
- Agree on a simple word or signal for stop. On that signal, the partner stops at once and removes a covering hand or blindfold straight away.
- Do not combine a blindfold with restraints, or with anything that squeezes or restricts blood flow, such as nipple clamps. When you cannot see, you may not notice a problem yourself.
- Stop if anything hurts or feels wrong, and see Toys and your health: when to check with a doctor if pain or numbness lasts.
A blindfold does not have to be part of anything more intense. It can simply be a tool for paying attention.
What to take away
Some people report that a blindfold helps by taking away watching yourself and seeing what comes next, so attention can stay on the touch that is happening now. Start at a level where you can always see again, keep surprises inside what you have agreed, and keep the power to take it off with the person wearing it.