During penetration, your own hand can change how sex feels for both of you. Two fingers around his penis give him a second, different grip on the same skin. Pressing your outer lips beside his penis and lifting them makes the entrance of your vagina snugger. Both are moves you run, at the strength you choose. This article explains how each one works, when to use which, and how to keep them comfortable.
Why use your hands at all
A lot of people picture sex as one person doing and the other receiving. Your hands change that. When you reach down to where your bodies meet, you stop only receiving and start steering. Many partners feel that switch as a gift in itself: a moment ago you were being touched, and now you are the one doing the touching.
In the clinical experience this article draws on, these moves are well liked, yet few people have heard of them. You need nothing but your hand and some lube.
Where your hands can reach
You need to reach the place where his penis enters you. That is easiest when he kneels or sits upright between your legs instead of lying on top of you, because there is space between your bodies (more: kneeling upright). Missionary with his chest raised also works. Both moves work from behind too: reach down between your legs from underneath.
Move one: the finger grip
Make a loose ring with two fingers, for example your index and middle finger, or your thumb and index finger. Rest it around his penis just outside your vaginal opening, so that it slides through your fingers on every stroke.
- What it does for him. On the same stretch of skin he now feels two very different things at once: the soft, warm inside of your vagina and the firmer, deliberate pressure of your fingers. His nerves register this as a second kind of touch, not just more of the same. The stroke gets no deeper or faster, yet he feels more.
- What to vary. Hold it light. Press a little more, then ease off. Squeeze on the way in and relax on the way out, or the other way round. Change the rhythm now and then. There is no correct pressure, only the one you both like.
- It can help him stay hard. In clinical experience the grip helps keep his erection firm, and sometimes makes it firmer. Your fingers let go the moment you open them, so the pressure is light and short.
That last point matters if he is trying to last. A man who slows down or turns his attention away from his own climb can cool a little too far and go soft (more: lasting longer by sitting up). Your grip can hold that firmness while he holds back. You can keep it up for as long as you both enjoy it.
Move two: the lift
Take your fingers off his penis and lay them on your outer lips (the labia majora, the full folds on either side of the opening), one finger or two on each side of his penis. Press down into them, then hook them gently upward, toward your belly. Your vaginal opening narrows around him.
- You set the strength. Press harder or softer, pull more up or more toward the sides, and notice what feels good at the entrance. If it pinches or pulls, ease off.
- It needs shallow strokes. With the opening narrowed, deep, fast thrusting does not fit, and forcing it could hurt you. What works is short, tight strokes near the entrance. Tell him, or guide his hips with your other hand.
- It is for both of you. He feels a tight hold right at the entrance. You feel the pressure at the opening, and the first part of the vagina is where much of your own sensitivity sits (more: how your vagina changes shape).
Which one when
The two moves pull in different directions, so timing matters:
- The grip works any time, including the long middle part of sex when he is trying to last.
- The lift is for the finish. A snug entrance gives him much more sensation, so he comes sooner. If you use it while he is working to last, it undoes that work. Save it for when you have had what you wanted, or when you both decide this is the end and want to go over together.
One way to try it: start with the grip, keep it through the middle, and switch to the lift near the end. This is one sequence, not the necessary one. Some couples only ever use the grip; some keep the lift for special nights. Keep whatever feels best to you.
After childbirth
After a vaginal birth, some women notice that the entrance feels looser during sex, and it is a common worry. Research lists changes in the pelvic floor as a common result of pregnancy and birth (Cattani 2022), and pelvic floor muscle training is one studied way to strengthen those muscles over time (Villani 2024).
The lift is a different kind of help. It narrows the opening only while your hand holds it. It changes nothing in your tissue and it is not a treatment. What it gives you is a snugger feeling now, controlled by you, while any longer-term work goes on in the background. If sex hurts after birth, or you leak urine, see a doctor or a pelvic floor physiotherapist.
Your own touch as well
Your hands can also go to yourself. Some women touch the clitoris with one hand, some use both hands, and some touch the clitoris with one hand and a nipple with the other (more: touching the clitoris during penetration, nipple play). Some pull their legs in, grind against him or set a new rhythm with their hips. Many women find touch outside adds a lot to penetration.
Partners often love this for three reasons that stack: the contrast of seeing you take over, your wanting made visible, and that you are doing it with him, not turning away from him. If he seems unsure, you can tell him it is with him, not instead of him.
Taking over is an option, not a duty. Some women come most alive when they steer; others prefer to be led and sink into it. Both are fine, and you can be either one on different nights.
Keeping it comfortable
- Nails short and smooth. A rough edge turns the same touch from pleasure into pain, for him and for your labia.
- Lube on your fingers as well as on him, so your grip slides instead of dragging (more: lube and silicone).
- Keep the grip loose enough to slide. Do not clamp and hold. If he says it hurts or feels numb, open your fingers.
- Stop if anything pinches or stings. You control the pressure the whole time, so you can ease off the moment something feels wrong. Let go at once if he feels pain or numbness, or if the skin changes color.
What to take away
During penetration, your hand can do two things. A loose finger grip around his penis gives him a second kind of touch and helps him stay hard; use it whenever you like. Pressing and lifting your outer lips narrows the entrance for a snug, shallow finish; keep it for the end, because he will come sooner. After childbirth it can bring back a snug feeling in the moment, but it is not a treatment. You set the strength, you choose when, and you decide whether you want to steer at all.