Sex position guides usually list names. A more useful way to choose is to look at four things any position either gives you or doesn't: where the pressure lands inside, whether there is room at your clitoris, whose hands are free, and who sets the rhythm. Once you can see those four, you can adjust any position, and you know where a toy will fit.
The four things to look at
- Where the pressure lands. Toward the front wall of the vagina, the side toward your belly, or deep inside. For most women, the angle matters more than how deep it goes (more: Touching the front wall: pressure, rubbing, or both).
- Room at the clitoris. Whether there is space between your bodies for a hand or a small toy on your clitoris. Adding clitoral stimulation during penetration helps many women more than penetration alone (more: Clitoral stimulation during penetration).
- Whose hands are free. A free hand can hold a toy, touch you, or reach a remote.
- Who sets the rhythm. The person who controls the movement controls the angle, the depth and the pace.
Lying on your back
With your partner on top and your hips flat, pressure tends to go deeper. A pillow under your hips tilts your pelvis, so the pressure moves toward the front wall instead. Try it higher or lower until it feels right. If going deep hurts here, the angle may be the problem rather than size.
Room at the clitoris is tight, because your bodies are close. Only something flat and small fits between you. If your partner sits up and kneels instead of lying on you, a hand is freed for your clitoris.
A flat toy with two soft tips that sit on either side of the clitoris can stay between two bodies in this position:
On top
When you are on top, you set the angle, the depth and the pace. That makes it a good position to try when orgasm is hard to reach with a partner, because you can adjust as you go. Some women on top rock or grind their pubic bone against their partner's rather than moving up and down, which reaches the clitoris, mostly through the outer lips (more: the pressing grind on top). Your partner's hands are free to hold a toy against your clitoris or to hold the remote. It can be tiring, so you may prefer it as one part of sex rather than all the way through.
From behind
From behind, the front of your body is open and your partner's hands are free. The position itself gives the clitoris little, so a hand or a toy reaching around in front makes the difference. Lowering your shoulders and raising your hips tends to turn the pressure toward the front wall.
On your knees, your legs have to be apart to hold you up. If you like squeezing your thighs together, you can lean over the edge of the bed with your legs straight instead, which lets your thighs close (more: Squeezing Your Thighs Speeds the Climb, It Doesn't Turn Up the Touch).
Lying on your sides
With your partner behind you, spooning, entry is shallower, and it takes little effort, so you can keep going for a long time. Your partner's free hand falls naturally in front of you, where a small vibrator can rest on your clitoris. It is also an easy way to keep going after your partner has finished (more: Strong Vibration Works Better Once You're Aroused: When to Bring a Toy Into Sex).
Standing
Standing depends a lot on the difference in height, and both of you need a hand to hold on to something. A toy that you wear, controlled by a remote, is the practical choice here.
Different bodies, different answers
- Some women need to squeeze their legs together to come; others need their legs straight and apart, tensed. Both are normal; choose positions that allow your way of building tension.
- A minority of women like firm pressure deep inside. For them, positions that go deep are the right ones, once they are fully aroused (more: Deep pressure: when deep is right).
- If orgasm doesn't happen in a certain position, it may help to check whether you can relax and focus in it, not only the angle. If giving and receiving at the same time feels distracting, you can take turns.
None of these positions is the correct one. Each is one option; keep the ones that feel good to you.
Safety
Choose positions you can hold without strain; there is no need for acrobatics. You can change or stop a position at any moment, and your partner follows your lead. If going deep hurts, change the angle or position; a tilted uterus or a cervix that has not yet lifted can make some angles painful. Stop if anything hurts, and see Toys and your health: when to check with a doctor if pain keeps coming back.
What to take away
Look at a position through four things: where the pressure lands, room at the clitoris, whose hands are free, and who sets the rhythm. A pillow under the hips, sitting up, or reaching around can change any of them. Pick what suits your body, and change it whenever you want.